RELATIVES OF SUICIDES: VULNERABLE
Very helpful article:
How grateful I am that this week I am having three prayer parties at my home…with such loving friends.
Statistically, per this article, I am apparently on the very vulnerable list. My grandmother, grandfather, an uncle, an aunt all committed suicide. My father made multiple attempts which were unsuccessful. The last time, I caught him in the act. He never tried it again.
Just like in the article, most people don’t want to look…but I have to. It’s all over the Internet, TV, social media…everywhere. I would have grieved Robin William’s life, anyway.
Robin Williams death means I have to look within, again, observe myself in the experience of being re-traumatized…and have compassion for myself, Williams’ family and all families who deal with a relative or partner who decided to take their own life.
This week I found myself forgetting to eat or not eating very healthy. I kept being so tired…I slept really late and fell asleep really early. I could not turn off the TV.
All of the joyful memorials about what a great guy he was seemed like crazy-making to me. Because I realize I’m pissed off. I am really angry at him. How dare he when I have a yoga student who is fighting so hard very day to live his best life? How dare he when my neighbor struggled and even had several attempted suicides but, blessedly, hung in there and passed naturally two weeks ago. How dare he re-traumatize me! He even looks a lot like my dad.
When I wrote on Facebook about my family history, not one person said they were sorry for my loss. But when I post my cat is ill…wow…like-like-like. Because it is just too uncomfortable to look.
One person invited me not to let negativity in my boat. It happened. I didn’t ask them to kill themselves. This is blaming the victim.
Let’s be clear. The one who committed suicide is NOT the suicide victim.
Amma doesn’t turn away. Jesus didn’t turn away. Buddha didn’t turn away.
If a mechanic tells you that your brakes are shot and your tires have no tread, do you tell them not to let negativity in your boat?
Fortunately, as one trained in Clinical Pastoral Care, I am well aware that the initial response to a tragedy is shock. So I could understand the mass response in the 24-hour news/social media cycle.
I know that now…many will be angry. How dare he leave us on this earth with all it’s pain and suffering?
I appreciate your prayers and DON’T WORRY I have no desire to end my life. I’m a Leo–too curious and enthusiastic about the adventure of life. I don’t want to miss my bliss!
Make Every Breath Count. Namaste.